Reflections on our Daughters Birthmother...

Today is Little Ladybug's official 2nd birthday, or as close as we'll ever know it to be. We were given this date as her actual birthday due to physical evidence when she was found and brought to the hospital. The particular details we have chosen to keep to ourselves. When LL is old enough to decide to share this it will be her call, not ours to divulge.

So, today LL's birthmother has been on my mind alot. We will never know anything about this person, or LL's birthfather either. If one only knew how this grieves my heart and one day it will grieve my daughters heart even more. What does she look like? Does LL have her eyes, her hair, her smile, her feet? What about him? Did she get her sense of humor from him? Her teasing, playful ways? Were they a couple who had a child that would not have been allowed? Were they praying for a son? Or was her birth the result of a stolen moment between two people not destined to be together forever? Does she have brothers or sisters? Was she the second child of two and not a boy as hoped? Was her birthmother's pregnancy the result of an act of violence committed against her? While I don't dwell on this one, I must accept that it may be true. These are all possibilities and there are many more that I'm sure I haven't even dreamed up. The truth could be none of these and yet another story all together.

Behind all this speculation I feel there is the deep matter of the heart also; a woman gave birth to LL and then made the decision to leave her, alone. Naturally I also wonder about this too. Was this a decision arrived at with relief? A burden no longer one has to bear? Was it with purpose that she left her where she did, simply to be sure she was taken care of? Then did she, the birthmother, move on with her life. Feeling she did the best thing she could for her baby? Or was it a couple who walked their precious daughter to her finding spot. Was it lovingly chosen so that she would be found quickly. Did they hide in the crowd, trying not to be seen, praying that someone would take her immediately for medical care? Did they embrace each other in relief when in private, deeply grieving the daughter they will never know? Again, these are scenarios that in my own mind I see as truly possible based on what I've learned. But so many other ones exist.

There are other feelings too that I am still wrestling with as my adoptive parenting days unfold. That is, I am emotinally tied to two strangers I will never know. They have given me so much and I cannot express my gratitude to them. I cannot give them any peace of mind. I cannot say to them that their decision, regardless of how it came, was one of the best things that ever happened to our family. I cannot give them information about me or DB. Granted they may never want any of this, but the thought lingers in my mind. I so love the child they created and in my heart I love them too. A thread connects my soul to theirs, no matter the circumstance.

So, what does one tell their daughter when the times comes and she asks these difficult questions? I wish I had the perfect answer. I'm certain that ALL adoptive parents feel this same agony. Since we are early on in parenting this beautiful child we have been blessed with, I only know one thing for certain. I will not create a fantasy story for her to cling to. I cannot give her the truth about her past, but I won't tell her a lie either. The best we can do is to help her be proud of her heritage. To learn of her homeland, her home province where she was found. From this she can create an identity that is not based on speculation but truth and facts. I know it will not come close to being enough for her. It certainly is not enough for me either. But it is solid. China is a beautiful country with such a rich history. We have met so many wonderful people who share her heritage. Our journey is just beginning and I embrace what lies ahead. It will not be easy; but I've found the most satisfying moments or events in my life did not come easy. They were hard fought for, sacrifing along the way, hurt and tears came too. But there is no one on earth I'd rather walk beside during these times than my husband and my children. God has blessed me with each one and I thank Him everyday.

So, to LL's birthmother...if your grieving - I pray for your healing. Your daughter will never be alone again. If you are wondering - I pray you find peace. She is the center of our universe and loved beyond measure. If you feel alone without her - I pray that you find someone to walk beside you. Someone who gives you the same measure of joy that this child you have given birth to has brought to us. If this day comes and goes and you have not thought of her - I praise my Heavenly Father above for being merciful to her and bringing her home to us. As each day passes we love her just a little more today then we did yesterday. This kind of all-consuming love comes from You God. And yet, You love us even more. What an awesome God you are!

What a Difference Five Months Makes...

Upon viewing a friends blog today, I realized it has been exactly five months since we have returned from China with our Little Ladybug. I have posted a photo of her in July of 2007 and a recent photo.

As LL's 2nd birthday approaches and Valentine's Day too the word LOVE comes to my mind. The difference that love makes in our lives is easy to take for granted. When you've always had someone who will call you their own, someone to come home to and arms to hold you tight. For the first 19 months of her life LL sat in her crib, with no one to call her their baby. No one to make her feel she was the center of their world. No place to come home to. Five months ago today, that all changed, FOREVER. Oh, the difference that love makes.


Bengbu Social Welfare Institute


Home Sweet Home

Back in the Saddle Again...

Helping Mama Make Rice Pudding



Ready to hit the slopes!


I am happy to post that both BW and LL are back to a normal pace and normal activities, Praise the Lord! It seems that BW had mono some time ago and this round of fatigue is caused by Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I was not aware of this condition but after the doctor diagnosed it, it sure fits BW's symptoms. He now has to learn to pace himself and pay more attention to how much sleep he is getting and how many extracurricular activities he is involved in. Hmmmm...if you are a parent of a teen or know one, you can imagine the conversations that have sprung up as a result of this. Not fun...but tough love IS a part of parenting. Deep down he knows it's for his best interest. Fortunately, this past week BW was off from school due to Regents testing. This allowed him to have a relaxed schedule and to sleep late. So on the weekend we gave him the OK to snowboard and give a friend lessons. We figured they wouldn't leave the bunny hill anyway, LOL! Both had fun and he came home happy to have potentially created another convert from skiing to the world of snowboarding :)

As for LL, well, she is back in the groove of being Mama's little helper or should I say clone (lovingly so)? Her cast came off on Thursday and she was so appreciative she kept telling the doctor, "Thank you, thank you!" Along with her charming smile, I think she has become one of his favorite patients. Basically, we just have to be VERY careful with her arm and the motion that she is allowed... until she's four! YIKES, that ought to be easy ;)

As for BB, he's been gone since Thursday on a three day ski trip with his friends to Vermont. Last night he came home with many stories and an afro helmet cover that is absolutely hysterical on him. He did not take any photos all weekend because in his words, "He was having too much fun." So I'll have to wait until another day 'til I can catch him on the slopes.

The Latest on Little Ladybugs "Owie" and Boll Weevil too...Oh No!

Bath Time Fun, Crazy Hair too!


Her Pinkness, with the lovely new cast


The Princess and her Faithful Companions

LL went back to the bone doctor on Monday. He took off the pink cast and told us to watch her arm overnight and she how she did trying to use it. She didn't use it, at all. It remained hanging there as a lifeless object; same as the last seven days. Furthermore, when I gave her a bath and got her "mammies" on she was in alot of pain, still. So, back to the bone doctor on Tuesday. This time a different doc, but the same practice. He concurred that she should have another cast for eight days to let it rest some more. So...now she is sporting a lovely purple cast. DB and I jokingly said that when all of this is done we are going to fill them with plaster of paris and make book ends. I know, sick isn't it? But, you've gotta find humor in this somewhere. I must say that this cast is much nicer than the other one in that it does not cover as much of her fingertips. This is allowing her to pick up more things and even balance her sippy cup, YEAH! It's these small things that I'm sure she will not take for granted again. So young, so many life lessons ahead. Good thing she has NO IDEA, huh? On another note, BW is not well either. We found out earlier in the week that he has been with the mono virus and none of us knew it. You cannot imagine how bad DB and I feel about this. So, today I am bringing him to the doctor for a follow-up visit to his last. It was then that they took blood and discovered the lingering signs of mono. BW jokingly told me that he didn't even have fun getting it the typical way. Guess it seems he shared a drink at school with a buddy who had it, UGH!! Being a nurse to two ailing children is not what I wanted to be doing as I feel terrible for both of them. But I am grateful to be here to lovingly restore them both to good health. With time, TLC and prayer they'll be good as new soon. Keep those prayers coming please!

Little Ladybug's "Owie"

"Her Pinkness" even has a pink cast, LOL!


Good job splinting DB, now off to the ER :(

So, January 5th is a day that will go down in our family's history books. It seems LL has a condition called Nursemaids Elbow. According to the bone doctor it is caused by an undeveloped cartilidge around the elbow joint. When the elbow is moved "just wrong" it goes out of joint. This happened when DB was getting her out of the bathtub and wrapping her in a hoodie towel (of all things!). He feels SO badly and has apologized at least seven hundred times. The doctor reassured him that there was no wrong doing and that this is a common condition; though not always requiring a cast. It seems her won't stay in place so...she is sporting a pretty, very pink cast for seven days. So far, I'll be honest she is miserable with this appendage. And I can't blame her. So some prayers for patience for her to learn to tolerate this foreign object on her arm would be appreciated. And an extra dose of patience for DB and me wouldn't hurt either. Such is life in the day of a parent. You learn to take the good along with the, thankfully, not so frequent bad events.

Snuggling Up, Bundling Up...

As we woke this AM the thermometer reads -9 degrees. So bundling and snuggling seemed the fitting title for this post as I reflect on the last week or so. Life up north this time of year can either be joyful or miserable, it's all in how you choose to spend your time. We take the cold in stride by spending time with friends and family. Creating memories is the only way for me to look fondly upon this time of year. I rather prefer the more moderate months myself. Such is my tip for survival...LOL!

Holiday Blessings and Photos to Share

I guess it would be mild to say that this Christmas on the lane was special to our family. Christmas of 2005 and 2006 had passed since we submitted our paperwork to the Chinese government for the adoption of our daughter. When we originally applied, our agency told us the wait would be six months from date of acceptance of our dossier to travel to China. Well...as many near and dear to us now know, that wait turned out to be 19 LONG months. Each Christmas there was an empty hole in our hearts that only this sweet child could fill. Those who have been through this know the unique pain involved. It is unlike a pregnancy type wait. I've done both and cannot find alot of similarities. But this year, that emptiness is gone. She is here, Praise the Lord!

Making the holiday even more special was the fact that the whole family was on vacation for two weeks together. This happens every year, but somehow this time seemed even better. LL sure enjoyed having her Baba and Ge-ge's there every morning when she woke up.

BB and BW did some snowboarding on their vacation. Between them they covered four mountains, not too bad I'd say. DB went with them also, but he is a skier and they tease him so badly about how snowboarding is much better. He solidly maintains that "two planks are better than one". Now that LL is here I may even take lessons once she is ready to hit the slopes. The male contingent was very pleased to hear this news as they have never liked it that I don't ski or snowboard. Once that happens I'll have the big decision to make and so will she...one plank or two? That ought to make for some interesting dinner talk, LOL!

Our two weeks off consisted of alot of time with family. We spent Christmas Eve with extended family from both sides. Then Christmas Day we were home on the lane, just the six of us. So nice!! We did something new this year which was fun (and appreciated by me). For our big meal, each family member chose a part to create themselves. BW made the salad with LL helping. BB made apple crisp for dessert. DB, the good husband that he is, peeled MANY potatoes, both regular and sweet. When all was done we enjoyed a delicious meal and had lots of laughs preparing it too! The pix say more than I can do justice to. Oh, and I can't forget to mention that DB did ALL the dishes too, WHEW! Thanks DB, cooking is SO much more fun when you're my partner.

Later in the week we celebrated Uncle Fix-It's 70th birthday with a wonderful party. The Faraway Cuzin's were here from Seattle and helped Aunty Ess prepare a magical Winter Wonderland theme. Unfortunately though, we had to leave early as BB came down with a brief but "intense" stomach bug. New Years Eve was quiet for LL, DB and me. We went out for a nice dinner while BW and BB went to a party hosted by a mutual friend. New Years Day was another visit with the the Faraway Cuzin's and a shared meal. We must make the most of our time together!

Today is a really quiet day on the lane as everyone but LL and I are back to work and school. But... at least I had time to do my belated holiday post ;)