Reflections on our Daughters Birthmother...

Today is Little Ladybug's official 2nd birthday, or as close as we'll ever know it to be. We were given this date as her actual birthday due to physical evidence when she was found and brought to the hospital. The particular details we have chosen to keep to ourselves. When LL is old enough to decide to share this it will be her call, not ours to divulge.

So, today LL's birthmother has been on my mind alot. We will never know anything about this person, or LL's birthfather either. If one only knew how this grieves my heart and one day it will grieve my daughters heart even more. What does she look like? Does LL have her eyes, her hair, her smile, her feet? What about him? Did she get her sense of humor from him? Her teasing, playful ways? Were they a couple who had a child that would not have been allowed? Were they praying for a son? Or was her birth the result of a stolen moment between two people not destined to be together forever? Does she have brothers or sisters? Was she the second child of two and not a boy as hoped? Was her birthmother's pregnancy the result of an act of violence committed against her? While I don't dwell on this one, I must accept that it may be true. These are all possibilities and there are many more that I'm sure I haven't even dreamed up. The truth could be none of these and yet another story all together.

Behind all this speculation I feel there is the deep matter of the heart also; a woman gave birth to LL and then made the decision to leave her, alone. Naturally I also wonder about this too. Was this a decision arrived at with relief? A burden no longer one has to bear? Was it with purpose that she left her where she did, simply to be sure she was taken care of? Then did she, the birthmother, move on with her life. Feeling she did the best thing she could for her baby? Or was it a couple who walked their precious daughter to her finding spot. Was it lovingly chosen so that she would be found quickly. Did they hide in the crowd, trying not to be seen, praying that someone would take her immediately for medical care? Did they embrace each other in relief when in private, deeply grieving the daughter they will never know? Again, these are scenarios that in my own mind I see as truly possible based on what I've learned. But so many other ones exist.

There are other feelings too that I am still wrestling with as my adoptive parenting days unfold. That is, I am emotinally tied to two strangers I will never know. They have given me so much and I cannot express my gratitude to them. I cannot give them any peace of mind. I cannot say to them that their decision, regardless of how it came, was one of the best things that ever happened to our family. I cannot give them information about me or DB. Granted they may never want any of this, but the thought lingers in my mind. I so love the child they created and in my heart I love them too. A thread connects my soul to theirs, no matter the circumstance.

So, what does one tell their daughter when the times comes and she asks these difficult questions? I wish I had the perfect answer. I'm certain that ALL adoptive parents feel this same agony. Since we are early on in parenting this beautiful child we have been blessed with, I only know one thing for certain. I will not create a fantasy story for her to cling to. I cannot give her the truth about her past, but I won't tell her a lie either. The best we can do is to help her be proud of her heritage. To learn of her homeland, her home province where she was found. From this she can create an identity that is not based on speculation but truth and facts. I know it will not come close to being enough for her. It certainly is not enough for me either. But it is solid. China is a beautiful country with such a rich history. We have met so many wonderful people who share her heritage. Our journey is just beginning and I embrace what lies ahead. It will not be easy; but I've found the most satisfying moments or events in my life did not come easy. They were hard fought for, sacrifing along the way, hurt and tears came too. But there is no one on earth I'd rather walk beside during these times than my husband and my children. God has blessed me with each one and I thank Him everyday.

So, to LL's birthmother...if your grieving - I pray for your healing. Your daughter will never be alone again. If you are wondering - I pray you find peace. She is the center of our universe and loved beyond measure. If you feel alone without her - I pray that you find someone to walk beside you. Someone who gives you the same measure of joy that this child you have given birth to has brought to us. If this day comes and goes and you have not thought of her - I praise my Heavenly Father above for being merciful to her and bringing her home to us. As each day passes we love her just a little more today then we did yesterday. This kind of all-consuming love comes from You God. And yet, You love us even more. What an awesome God you are!